DEAR DEIDRE: SINCE my partner discovered that I used to star in porn movies she won’t talk to me.
She says she feels let down that I kept my time in the adult industry a secret, but her real issue is that I had sex with men.
I’m female, 24, and my girlfriend is 27. Despite being three years older than me she can be very immature and dogmatic.
She has been giving me the silent treatment for days since she found out about my past.
Instead of coming to me about it, I had to plead with her several times before she finally admitted she’d seen some old porn films I featured in with men.
Rather than hear me out, she stormed off with a bag of her belongings. Her last words were: “You disgust me.”
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I’m now blocked on all forms of contact to her so I don’t know if I’ll ever get a chance to explain.
She has made me feel so low and ashamed.
When I made the films I was just 19, and desperately needed the extra cash. At the time I hadn’t come out as gay.
Straight porn also paid more and so for me, it was merely a financial opportunity.
Perhaps I should have told her, but it’s not something I find easy to talk about, and quite honestly, it’s a time in my life that I would rather forget.
I really liked her and thought we had a great connection but now I feel I’ve lost her for ever.
I would like a chance to explain but now she’s blocked me it doesn’t seem like I stand a chance. What should I do?
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DEIDRE SAYS: Your girlfriend isn’t ready to talk about this yet.
This news shocked her and it may be that she just needs more time to process it.
However, it was unkind of her to judge you and selfish to remove your opportunity to explain.
I do hope you get a chance to tell her about your past from your perspective.
If she decides to continue shutting you out, then she is not a healthy partner for you.
A life partner should be open, understanding and compassionate towards you and acknowledge your growth along the way.
After all, remember we’ve all done things we aren’t proud of at least once in our lifetime so please don’t let the judgement of others leave you feeling ashamed.
Give her some time to calm down then you could write her a letter, explaining everything you have shared with me.
Whether she gives you the chance to explain what you went through, or not, you would benefit from counselling to help move forwards.
I’m sending you my support pack How Counselling Can Help.
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